USA Found Dead — Apparent Suicide

By / 14 November  2012

—The world was horrified last Wednesday to learn of the discovery of  the entire United States of America, roughly 314 million people, dead in a  remote commune in the jungles of South America’s obscure nation of Guyana.   The apparent cause of death: suicide!

Shortly after the U.S. presidential election results were  announced after 11:00 PM, Tuesday night, EST, local Guyanese residents began  noticing foul odors and screaming coming from a giant communal compound,  nicknamed “Jonesbamatown,” which had housed the President of the United States  (Reverend Barack H. Jonesbama), his loyal followers and his “not so loyal” countrymen as well.   Eventually the commotion and smell drew the attention  of Guyanese authorities, who stumbled upon the massively grim scene Wednesday  morning.

Indeed, the world’s third largest, richest, and most  powerful nation had committed mass suicide on a scale unprecedented in human  history (at least not since the Soviet Union, Western Europe, China, and the  rest of the world had done the same … in human history).

“The scene is unbelievable.  Just dreadful!” said a distressed Hon. Clement J. Rohee, Guyana’s Minister of Home  Affairs, who had just returned from viewing the horrific landscape at  Jonesbamatown/former United States, Wednesday morning.   “I don’t  get it,” continued an emotional Rohee, shaking his head.  “…Why does every  demented ideologue want to come here —Guyana— to act-out his suicidal,  collectivist experiments on people? … I just don’t get it!”

Rohee said that Guynese medical teams had already been  air-dropped on the scene in the isolated, makeshift commune-nation of  Jonesbamatown, located 200 miles southwest of Guyana’s capital of  Georgetown.   As of Wednesday afternoon, United Nations physicians and  other international teams were traveling through Guyana’s dense jungles, hoping  to reach the immense camp in time to treat any survivors of America’s apparent  mass suicide.

“There’s always hope, but from the reports we’re  getting, they’re all dead, the entire nation,” said Dr.  Valerie Amos, the United Nations’ Under-Secretary-General and Emergency Relief  Coordinator, Wednesday afternoon.  “… All of America, over  three-hundred-million people dead, mostly from voting to commit suicide.   Unbelievable!”

Amos said that although most of the former United  States took its life willingly, duped into drinking a tainted mix of Hope,  Change and Forward, it appeared others had to been forced to  drink the grape-flavored substance, which was actually laced with lethal amounts  of cyanide.   As for  the President and Reverend Barack Jonesbama (aka the “Great One” or “Chocolate  Jesus”, the charismatic cult leader who had so skillfully led the nation to  believe a magical, egalitarian Utopia was possible because he studied it in  college), he was found dead, too; victim to cyanide, as well, which he had  apparently laced his crystal champagne glass  of Revenge with.

Reportedly found next to President Rev. Jonesbama were his wife, Eva Michelle  Obraun, his favorite set of titanium golf clubs, and the skeletal remains of  what is believed to be his dog, Bo, seemingly having taken its life years before  rather than enduring his master’s rantings.

World leaders are reacting to the news of the entire United  State’s suicide with mixed emotions, whether they had been friends of the former  superpower or not.

“These people were promised ‘paradise on Earth’,” said a  sobbing British Prime Minister David Cameron outside his #10 Downing Street  residence, Wednesday, “and when they realized it was all smoke-in-mirrors, they  chose to seek that last ‘paradise’ across the River Styx with their dear leader,  Reverend Jonesbama.  I weep for my former friends and allies.”

Already local residents are being evacuated from the scene  of America’s suicide in Jonesbamatown, as its 314 million decaying corpses will  undoubtedly taint the air, soil and water supplies for generations.    Said Guyana’s Chief Medical Officer of Public Health, Dr. Rudolph  Cummings, Wednesday, “It’s going to take months to clean up all these  bodies, not because there are so many, but because they’re American, which means  they average about 300 pounds per body.”

     Also found at the reeking,  unprecedented scene of national self-demise were audio recordings of the Rev.  Barack Jonesbama, beckoning his people to commit “one final, revolutionary act … just one more time.”

The audio tapes are ”morbid, yet strangely  uplifting,” said one U.N. disaster relief worker, who wished to remain  anonymous.  ”I listened to this man, who so many loved, calling upon his  followers to commit these secretly horrible acts by voting for his policies one  last time … killing themselves and their families, sacrificing their futures…! It’s almost as bad as strapping every  American under age 18 with 216,676 dollars of debt!

“Oh, I’m just so tired … so tired  of being tired.  Come, my children, follow me on this  last act, take this one last sip from my delicious Change-flavored Kool-Aid…” Rev. Jonesbama can be heard saying ominously to his remaining gathered  followers Tuesday evening, as the rest of them were hurriedly rounding up  Republicans, libertarians, and conservative Democrats who did not wish to share  the fate of their messianic father-leader and his puerile ideologues.

In the end, though, there were enough Jonesbama voters  Tuesday night to force non-Jonesbama voters to enter the “eternal utopia”  the hypnotic revered promised for years.   Thus, no one in America had a  choice but be a part of their collective suicide … via collectivism.

President Rev. Jonesbama sounded particularly self-absorbed and  strident, according to first-responders on the gruesome scene who listened to  audio tapes of the last hours of the great nation-turned-gigantic, suicidal  commune.

There are also signs of struggle at the  horrendous Jonesbamatown site, including gunfights and numerous  syringes laying about, indicating many Americans who did not believe in their  leader’s promise of an “eternal golden future” being forcibly injected with  cyanide-laced Hope and Change.

“Why, if we cannot create and enjoy this all-equal  World of Peace without opposition, then we all may as well forever live  in it in death!”  Rev. Jonesbama can be heard eerily spouting on his  microphone, his words broadcasted across his dying nation and  subjects.   In the background there can be heard moaning, women  screaming and children crying, as they cast their ballots for Jonesbama and his  policies yet again.   Occasionally dying voices with Southern, Mid and  Southwestern accents can be heard screaming in the background, “You @!##!@*!*,  Jonesbama, we knew this would happen!”

“…Oh, such reluctant Neanderthals,” Rev. Barack  Jonesbama whines in response, wearing creepy sunglasses and  a befitting demeanor.   “…Oh, do away with those naysayers  first, my faithful children!  They want to roll us back to the policies of  the past.  Do ‘away’ with them first. …Then after them, do your own  children!  Oh, let us  get some medicine, please…!”

At the far upper-right premises of  Jonesbamatown/United States, “non believers” were found laying about; some shot,  stabbed, “Hope”-laced syringes stuck in their bodies; bloated,  clutching vomit-splattered Gadsden flags.   Former Fox  News TV host Glenn Beck was discovered by medical personnel wrapped in  the rigor mortised arms of talk radio’s Sean Hannity and Mark Levin, a scribbled  note laying among the trio simply stating: “Told You, America!”

The United Nations, which had been growing largely at odds  with the U.S. in recent years, still expressed shock and horror at the news of  what happened in Jonesbamatown.   “…This is the exact sort of naiveté  that can lead to danger, such as mass suicide,” U.N. General Secretary Ban ki  Moon said, Wednesday.

Further east, a sniffling Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin  Netanyahu, his own country now condemned to annihilation of a different sort,  given just a matter of time, commented woefully, “I can’t believe Americans  actually agreed to do this to themselves!  I mean, I knew they had become  dumber over the years, but I didn’t know they had  become this dumb!” sobbed Netanyahu.

Andre Reizensky, a 69-year-old Israeli citizen who had grown up  in former East Germany, could not believe the U.S., a country he loved and  respected had chosen this fate for itself Tuesday evening.   Nor could  Reizensky cope with the fact that his own daughter, Iris, her husband and his  two grandchildren are undoubtedly among the millions dead, since Iris and her  family had lived in Philadelphia and were staunch Democrats/Jonesbama  supporters.

Cried Reizensky to reporters in Tel Aviv, Wednesday, “No one learns from  history anymore!   Everyone thinks the world began when they were  born, and all the failed experiments of the past can be tried again with  different results. … I thought my family was smarter.   I thought  America was smarter!  Apparently not!  Oh God!”     “Why?!” wailed Reizensky, having to be retrained by  friends and neighbors.  “Why did America drink Jonesbama’s Hope and Change  Kool-Aid again?  Why did they do this to themselves?!  NO..!”

**Don’t Forget to Follow ‘Duh Progressive’ on TWITTER & FACEBOOK**

(The preceding is satire.)

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